


Falls on Me

by Noninimicus



Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Angst, Drinking, Grief/Mourning, Harry doesn't show up until the very last second, M/M, Merlin is surly, Multi, sorry :/ - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-14
Updated: 2015-07-14
Packaged: 2018-04-09 06:12:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4336967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Noninimicus/pseuds/Noninimicus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt fill: When I'm gone, will you still be there for me?</p>
<p>In the aftermath of Harry's death, the two men he was closest to flounder without his grounding presence. Can they find comfort in each other, or will Harry's ghost stand between them?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Falls on Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RaychDZeros](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaychDZeros/gifts).



> I was challenged by my lovely Raychdzeros with the prompt: When I’m gone, will you still be here for me?
> 
> Now, it has to be said that I took some serious liberties with the interpretation of both my prompt and the song I drew inspiration from. I wrote with Falls on Me by Fuel playing on loop and I'm listening to it from Merlin's POV, despite the fact that most of the fic is from Eggsy's.
> 
> Thanks to Raych for always giving me prompts that make me exceed my own expectations.

He watered Harry's flowers. Of  _course_  he did. Eggsy spent every free hour he could at Harry's house and he couldn't stand the thought of them withering away and dying. He dusted and vacuumed and aired out and did all the things he figured Harry did to maintain his home. Mr. Pickles' fur shone brighter than he imagined it ever had when the little dog was actually alive.

It was, he knew, a self-indulgent shrine to his own grief and a deep love he'd never been able to put voice to, but he couldn't bring himself to stop.

The refrigerator was empty save for a large (and largely empty) bottle of cheap vodka. It hadn't felt right to get stupidly drunk on Harry's expensive brandy and cognac and whatever other posh liquors the man had kept in his cabinet.

Eggsy would be the first to admit that the two months after V-Day and Harry's death weren't his best. He'd wrapped himself up in the pain and memories and things left unspoken and let everything else fall by the wayside.

Gradually, however, his wounds did as all wounds tend to do. They began to heal. He started noticing things his own grief had blinded him to, things he really aught to have paid attention to from the start.

It began slowly.

The comm crackled to life and Eggsy paused just inside the Estate's underground landing.

“ _I need to speak with you.”_

“Merlin?”

“ _My office, please.”_

Eggsy shrugged and made his way quickly to the tech magician's inner sanctuary. Though he wasn't technically a  Kingsman, Merlin had never actually revoked his permission to come on base. And since Merlin was the ultimate authority, what with their current lack of an Arthur, no one had bothered to question him. He found the man hunched over his keyboard, as seemed to be his habit lately. When Merlin acknowledged him, he merely glanced up and looked him over, not bothering to rise from his office chair. There were dark circles under his eyes, but that had been par for the course for all of what little remained of the great knights of Kingsman lately.

“Good to see you upright.” the man greeted him without any real rancor.

Eggsy shrugged. “I'd say it's good to be upright, but we both know better.”

Merlin nodded and ran a hand over his face. “I've a mission for you. Out of country. Your girlfriend, the Princess Tilde, has been receiving death threats and she's one of the few upper echelon allies we have left.”

“She's not-” the younger man began, but Merlin shook his head, holding out a file folder to forestall his denials.

“It doesn't matter, Eggsy. Just neutralize the threat and come back.”

“Off the books?”

Merlin shrugged. “I'm sending you because you know the contact personally and all of our actual agents are on assignment.”

Eggsy nodded, taking the file and offering a not-entirely-sarcastic salute.

“Harry's garden-”

“I'll have it taken care of.”

* * *

 

 

It was almost four weeks before he returned. He strode into Merlin's office, dropping his mission report onto the acting Arthur's desk and scattering several crumpled balls of paper and sweets wrappers in the process. The entire desk, he noticed belatedly, looked like a war zone. The detritus of long nights and hasty meals dispersed over it's normally polished surface.

“Hey, you okay?” Eggsy asked and, when he was ignored, he laid a hand on the older man's shoulder.

Merlin made an impatient sound and shrugged him off. “I'm fine, Eggsy. If you're just turning in your report, you can go now. I'll get to it when I have time.”

Eggsy held up both hands in surrender. “Just askin' guv. You look tired, is all.”

Merlin pinched the bridge of his nose under his glasses and sighed. “I'm doing a job I wasn't trained for, trying to ascertain the threat potential of each new idiot pushing himself into the power void across the world, and making a so-far unsuccessful attempt to find candidates to fill in the three remaining empty chairs at the table. Tell me, please, just  _when_ that would allow time for sleeping.” he ground out and Eggsy flinched.

“Yeah, alright. Sorry. Didn't mean to be a bother.” he muttered, turning sharply and leaving the man to himself.

Despite that less than pleasant meeting, Eggsy found himself spending more and more time in the older agent's office over the following weeks. Officially, at least insofar as his tax records were concerned, Eggsy was listed as an assistant in the shop. He didn't make nearly the pay the real agents did, but plenty enough to keep his mum and sister in food and housing. He filed paperwork, kept an eye on some of the less dense spec feeds, and even ran for sustenance on occasion; anything he could do to help lessen Merlin's workload. If things got bad, he would wordlessly pour a drink from the bottle beneath the man's desk and listen to him talk about old missions or friends or, rarely, his time before Kingsman. They'd slowly become, for lack of a better term, friends.

* * *

 

 

Eggsy's chair squeaked as he leaned back, glancing over to Merlin. The man was glaring at his monitors, fingers flying over the keyboard as he typed something in an alphabet Eggsy wasn't familiar with.

“Mum stopped by the shop yesterday.” He stated into the silence. “Says she misses me an' all”

Merlin didn't acknowledge that he'd spoken.

“She, er. She says she's tired of hearing about people she doesn't know. Says she wants to meet some of the people I work with.” here, the tech wizard paused, turning to Eggsy with a frown.

“Are you approaching a point? Or are you just making poor conversation?” he grumped and Eggsy grinned, glad to finally see something of the Merlin he knew.

“Yeah. You, ah, want to come to dinner tonight?” When the older man glared back at his computer screen and looked like he might refuse, Eggsy preempted him, sitting forward and putting on his very best puppy eyes “Or tomorrow night? Friday? Only she's got this new recipe and she wants to try it out on actual humans and she's really been on me about working so much and her never seeing me or any of my 'posh new friends' and-”

“Eggsy.” Merlin interrupted with a sigh, raising a hand. “Fine, yes. I'll go. Not tonight.” he typed a few more lines, then turned to face Eggsy again and rubbed the bridge of his nose. “I've still got several hours of work left for me here, but I should be able to find a stopping point by tomorrow evening.”

Eggsy's face split into a bright grin and he rose to clasp the older man's shoulder.

Merlin glared so hard at the offending hand that Eggsy was surprised it didn't burst into flame.

“Six good for you?”

Merlin nodded, shrugging off Eggsy's familiarity and returning fully to his work. “I'll meet you here at five thirty.”

* * *

 

 

Eggsy arrived early, inviting himself into Merlin's office in time to see the man slip a clean jumper over his collared shirt. “Ready, then?” he asked.

Merlin nodded without turning to him, reaching to take up a long gift bag and Eggsy felt his throat tighten.

“Er.” he said intelligently and the older man paused, raising a brow with a look of polite dread.

“What is it, Eggsy?” Merlin sighed.

“Is that what I think it is?”

“You know,” the older agent began, words clipped in frustration and sounding much like he was gearing up for a long tirade. “Contrary to popular belief, I'm not  _actually_  an evil, mind-reading psychopath.”

Eggsy shrugged sympathetically. “Two outta three ain't bad, guv.”

When Merlin growled, Eggsy jumped to answer his implied question. “Well, it looks like you've got wine or something, only mum,” he paused, glancing down at the points of his shoes. “She's not too keen on alcohol in the house anymore, you get me?”

All of Merlin's building bluster seemed to drain out of him at once. “I apologize. I didn't think...” He paused, shrugging. “Well, obviously I didn't think. Do you mind stopping somewhere so I can pick up some flowers, then?”

Eggsy offered a bright smile. “Sure thing, bruv.”

* * *

 

 

Dinner, Eggsy decided, had been a success all around. He'd talked Merlin out of his office, if only for a night, and had even gotten some good food in him in the process. Michelle, aware of his ulterior motives, had kept the atmosphere light and cheerful and hadn't stopped plying Merlin with food until the man had lamented his full stomach.

“So.” Eggsy began as they set out on the walk to the shop, content to enjoy the night rather than hail a cab.

“So?” Merlin questioned, brow raised and step easy.

“Any plans for that bottle?”

Merlin chuckled. “Come to mine and we'll put a dent in it, shall we?”

* * *

 

 

“Glenlivet?” Eggsy asked, examining the half-empty bottle. He relaxed back against Merlin's sofa, legs sprawled over his meticulously clean carpet. “Why does that sound familiar?”

The older man  glanced up briefly before retrieving the alcohol and taking a deep pull.

“I've a bottle in my office.” He said and paused, studiously avoiding Eggsy's gaze. “Or I had one.”

“Had?” Eggsy pressed curiously, but Merlin merely nodded and didn't elaborate.

* * *

 

 

It quickly became a regular event for Eggsy to kidnap Merlin to dinner with his family, then retire to the man's house to polish off at least half a bottle of whatever one or the other of them had on hand. Usually there was chess involved, or a movie. Sometimes they simply relaxed, chatting about inconsequential things and enjoying the comfort of companionship and not having to think for a while. It occurred to Eggsy, rather suddenly and not altogether unpleasantly, that the pair of them were acting like an old married couple. He snickered to himself at the thought and peered at Merlin from his position in the corner of the sofa.

“You don't even date, though!” He barked, the sound of his own voice making him jump. Oh. Oh  _no_. He  _really_  hadn't meant to say that out loud.

Merlin glanced up with a curious frown. “Pardon? Why would I date?” He poured something amber and strong into his glass before continuing. “Harry and I were together. I didn't need anyone else.”

Eggsy blinked owlishly at the older man, trying to process what he'd just been told. “Wait.” He sat up and set his glass carefully aside. “Wait, so you, you and Harry, you've been- ?” Eggsy asked, his powers of articulation left far behind with the last of his sobriety. “Together. Like  _together_ , together?”

Merlin nodded, not meeting his eyes. "Aye. For almost twenty years. There were things I never said that I should have...things I now wish I had. Looking back," he sighed heavily, shaking his head. "They mattered so much more than I thought they ever could."

Eggsy whistled. “Twenty years? That's...that's...wow.” he frowned, squinting contemplatively before continuing. “What were the things? That you loved him?" he asked and, when Merlin merely nodded, continued. "Why didn't you say it?"

“Kingsman.” Merlin reminded him. “It's in our nature to keep anything that could potentially become leverage to ourselves.”

“You are far too articulate for a drunk man, my friend.”

* * *

 

 

“Maybe you should come over to mine this time.” Eggsy said, not as casually as he'd hoped. He'd been feeling guilty after Merlin's revelation last week for squatting in Harry's home and never thinking that there may have been someone who would have liked to be there instead. “I've been staying at Harry's and-”

“You've been staying there?” Merlin interrupted sharply and Eggsy couldn't read his gaze. “How've you been getting in without setting off the alarms?”

Eggsy shrugged. “Harry gave me the codes.” It hadn't occurred to him before that that may have been strange.

Merlin looked lost for a moment before nodding. “Yes. Yes, of course he did.”

“So, you'll come, yeah? We can buy a bottle, get drunk and you can tell me stories about Harry from before I knew him. It'll be cathartic or whatever.” Eggsy said, knowing damn well that while catharsis may be a healing practice, it hurt like hell in the mean time. He thought, though, that maybe it was what the older man needed. People were supposed to talk about that kind of thing, right?

Something dark passed behind the tech magician's eyes and he smiled sadly. “No, Eggsy. I can't go back there. Not now and probably never again.”

“Merlin-” the younger man began, but the tech wizard raised his hands and turned away.

“I said no.” Merlin stated firmly over his shoulder as he strode away.

* * *

 

 

Eggsy was drunk. That in itself was nothing new. It was in no way unusual to find him and Merlin tipsy and sprawled over the older man's sofa lazily throwing insults at whatever movie they'd decided to dismember that night. What  _was_  unusual was that they were not on the sofa. No, Eggsy had followed Merlin to his drink bar and crowded the older man against the wall there. Merlin gasped when he pressed close, hands flying to his hips and drawing him closer.

Eggsy felt his heart rate skyrocket as he let his lips trail over Merlin's jawline.

Something rumbled in the older man's chest and he tightened his hands briefly before letting go.

“Eggsy, stop.” he sighed.

With nearly half a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue (his round to buy the bottle this time) sloshing in his veins, it took Eggsy a moment to process the command. When he did, however, he froze, fingers barely grazing the underside of Merlin's jaw as the older man's breath ghosted warmly across his lips. Merlin's eyes were half-lidded, his cheeks ruddy with the alcohol in his blood, but he placed a steady hand against Eggsy's chest and the younger man let himself be pushed away.

“I don't take kisses lightly, Eggsy. I can't. And you can't make the decisions necessary for me to allow this impaired.” Merlin said softly, raising a hand, palm hot against the side of Eggsy's throat. He slid a thumb along the ridge of the boy's cheek, unable to resist the need to  _touch_ , if only this once. “If you wish to kiss me, lad, I'm afraid you'll have to do it sober.”

Eggsy nodded mutely and straightened, fiddling awkwardly with his shirt cuffs. “God, Merlin, I-”

But the older man shook his head. “Don't say you're sorry. Nothing happened.” he wouldn't meet Eggsy's gaze, though, and the younger man felt as though he was drowning in the tension between them.

“Perhaps we should call it a night.” Merlin murmured finally and Eggsy could do nothing but swallow his feeble protests and make his way home.

* * *

 

 

_And you can't make the decisions necessary for me to allow this impaired._

Eggsy woke with a start and the sound of Merlin's voice ringing in his ears.

_You can't make the decisions impaired._

Did that mean Merlin's decisions were already made? That he was simply waiting for Eggsy to decide that the Kingsman tech wizard was who he wanted to be with? Eggsy turned this over in his mind while he showered and dressed, half guilty over the thought of taking up with the man who had been Harry's lover.

But Harry was dead. And there was no one,  _no one_ , Eggsy could imagine holding a place beside the man in his heart but Merlin.

And he  _could_  see it. Eggsy had only to close his eyes and he could easily imagine his life with Merlin in it. Hell, they were already in each others pockets most of the time, practically married. Very little would change were they to become more intimately involved.

Well. Very little aside from the fact that Eggsy would no longer have to clench his fists when he wanted to touch, or bite his tongue when his words might seem too forward. He could lie in bed beside Merlin every night and be allowed to reach across the distance to hold, or to kiss. He could breathe against the angle of the man's jaw with his legs wrapped around those lean hips and...Eggsy adjusted himself in the mirror before perching his specs on his nose. The more he thought about it, the more he felt that this had been inevitable from the moment Merlin looked him over, a withdrawn sort of hunger in his eyes and said  _Looking good Eggsy_. It made a twisted sort of sense to him.

Who else would understand that but Merlin?

* * *

 

 

Eggsy entered the inner sanctum with an air of determination he didn't truly feel and paused long enough to assure himself that Merlin was not, in fact, busy.

The tech wizard looked up in question as Eggsy strode purposefully to his chair and turned it away from the desk to face him.

"Eggsy." The man rumbled in warning, none too happy about being manhandled in his own office, but the younger man simply offered him a cocky grin.

Eggsy could feel how damp his palms were as he placed them on the arms of Merlin's chair and leaned boldly into the older man's personal space.

"We're sober now, yeah?" He asked, but didn't wait for an answer. Bravado, he knew, could only carry him so far. It was a mixture of adrenaline and sheer nerve which allowed him to close the distance between them and press his lips against the mouth he couldn't seem to get out of his head.

The kiss was not gentle. It was not slow or sweet or sensual, or any of the things Eggsy had imagined it might be.

When Merlin finally responded- and it was a moment before the man decided that this was something he could have, something he was  _allowed_  to have- it was nothing short of cataclysmic.

It was ferocity and teeth, pressure and devastating strength, and an almost feral growl that reverberated from Merlin's throat, answering something within Eggsy that sat just on the razor's edge of violence. The younger man trembled beneath hard hands, arching and keening and completely helpless in the wake of the consuming  _heat_  of the kiss he himself had initiated.

Eggsy found himself splayed over the ruin of Merlin's desk with no clear idea of how he had gotten there and far beyond the point where he truly cared.

"Don't tempt me, Eggsy." Merlin breathed harshly against the younger man's collar bone. (And when had his shirt come undone?) "Sex isn't a game for me. If you pursue this, I'll accept nothing less than all of you and I will ruin you for any poor bastard who follows after me."

Eggsy took him at his word.

Later, wrapped up in the languid heat of Merlin's arms, Eggsy breathed heavily against the man's neck, trying to remember if sex had ever been like that before. If it had ever held that intensity, that level of intimacy. Merlin was preternaturally still and it took Eggsy's fogged mind a few minutes to catch up to this fact. When he did, however, he slid one hand out of the tight band of the older man's arms and curled it around the back of Merlin's neck, pulling lightly until the man relaxed enough to allow their foreheads to touch.

“It's okay.” Eggsy said into the dark and Merlin shuddered against him. “I miss him too.”

Merlin released a sharp breath over his young lover's lips.

“Eggsy, I'm-”

But Eggsy shook his head. “Don't say you're sorry.” He said, giving the man’s own words back to him. “I know there will always be a ghost in our bed.” He paused in momentary indecision before continuing. “And not just for you.”

Something seemed to break loose in the older man and he drug Eggsy impossibly closer, held tightly,  _desperately_  to his chest as he buried his face in the boy's neck and sobbed.

Eggsy held on and finally,  _finally_ , let his own tears fall.

* * *

 

_*Seven Months Later*_

The first thing Harry noticed on his return were the flowers.

He'd always taken pride in his garden. He'd spent hours and hours on it in the months after he'd moved into his home; designing and drawing up plans, buying materials and heirloom seeds, planting each one carefully and nurturing the entire thing until it had grown into a small sanctuary he could retreat to when his job was just a bit too much.

He'd spent rather a lot of time there over the years.

Harry felt his throat tighten up as he walked the garden path. The beds were a little untidy, some of the plants a bit worse for wear as though the caretaker hadn't fully understood the nuances of their upkeep, but they were obviously lovingly tended. It would take very little effort at all to bring the garden back to its former glory.

The door still opened to his override code and he allowed himself a moment of relief he chose not to dwell too heavily on. Silently, he entered, shutting the door behind him, and was struck by the tiny differences in his home: Books he hadn't owned incorporated into the bookshelf in the hallway, a photograph of Rio de Janeiro that appeared to have been taken from the left hand of the Redeemer. Even the smell, he noted, wasn't the same. It was a subtle difference, the underlying hint of his aftershave and furniture polish still present, but there was something new. He drew a deep breath and it took him longer than he cared to admit to realize the new scent was a mixture of Eggsy's preferred shampoo and Merlin's own cologne.

He fought the urge to smile. Of course it would be those two who would adopt the remnants of Harry's life after he was gone. Harry's next breath shuddered in his chest as he crept up the stairs, feeling a bit foolish skulking about in his own home.

But it wasn't anymore, was it? Harry had been 'dead' for over a year. It made sense that the house and everything in it would be redistributed among the Kingsmen.

He'd never meant to be gone so long, but it had taken him time regain his health and to remember the details of his life, some of which were still persistently fuzzy around the edges.

He opened the door to the master bedroom soundlessly, unsure what he would find there. The bed was rumpled, obviously only recently vacated, and Merlin's ubiquitous clipboard lay neatly on the night-table.

A sound from the en suite drew his attention a millisecond before he felt the cold nudge of a gun barrel leveled against the hair tied at the back of his head. He froze, hands splayed to either side to show his lack of weaponry. Not that, strictly speaking, that would present much of a problem for him.

Harry watched as Merlin emerged from the bathroom, gun pointed at his chest before the younger agent's eyes widened in recognition. Merlin's face went white and the gun shook in his hands as he dropped it to his side.

"Sweet Mary, Eggsy, drop your weapon." the tech wizard breathed and the gun at the back of Harry's head immediately pulled away. Eggsy came around from behind him, fists clenching at his side when he finally saw his face.

"Fuck,  _Harry_. Fucking hell." he whispered.

Harry had no time to react before he had an armful of Merlin, the man's hands holding his face as though afraid he was dreaming.

Perhaps he was.

There were tears in the younger agent's eyes, his face filling Harry's field of vision as he pressed Harry against the bedroom door. It shut with an audible click and he felt more than saw Merlin's hard swallow.

"I love you." the tech magician croaked out.

Harry's breath stuttered in his chest. "Merlin," he breathed. "You-"

But the younger man shook his head. "I know and I've never regretted anything so much in my life. I should have told you the moment I realized and a hundred thousand times since then. I love you, Harry. I always have."

Harry crushed Merlin to his chest, eyes going immediately to the only other man in the room.

Eggsy stood in a pair of sleep pants, arms crossed over his chest and something black and yawning opening behind his eyes. Fear, Harry knew. The boy was afraid that now he was back, he would take Merlin and his home and his life and Eggsy would be left with nothing, an outsider to something he himself had helped build.

"Eggsy-" he began, but the boy interrupted with a wide and patently fake smile.

"Been wonderin' when you'd turn up, Harry. We drank up all of your liquor for you." he said flippantly. Harry recognized it for the plea it was, but decided not to address it.

"Come here." he said instead, reaching a hand out as Merlin breathed against his neck. An almost imperceptible nod there told him everything he needed to know.

When Eggsy warily approached, Harry slipped his hand behind the boy's neck and drew him closer.

"Merlin was not the only one who left important things unsaid." he stated simply before slanting his lips across a shocked Eggsy's.

For a moment the younger agent seemed frozen before a wounded sound rose between them and Eggsy pressed close, returning the kiss with fervor.

Merlin slipped an arm around Eggsy's waist as the boy dropped his head onto Harry's other shoulder.

"You were always right about him, Harry." he said softly, earning a questioning grunt from Eggsy and a nod from Harry himself. "He belongs here with us."

Explanations were needed, Harry knew. Where he'd been, what had happened in his absence, and a slew of other questions that desperately needed answers.

But for tonight...

For tonight, he decided, they could be put aside. The three of them had spent far too much of their lives waiting and Harry, for one, was well and truly tired of it. Tonight, he would wait for nothing, but take and give and love and be loved. Tonight was for finally getting what they'd been waiting for.

It had been a long time coming.


End file.
